Oral Examination 2010

Sacramentology IV Marriage

Please Choose One Question to answer from the following (30 Marks).

1. Explain what the following Councils said about Marriage: The Council of Verona (2), The Council of Trent (8), and The Second Vatican Council (20).

2. Explain briefly: Eph 5:32, Tametsi, and the Pauline Privilege (3 marks each). Discuss marital covenant and marital contract (7). Describe the role of faith in the sacrament of marriage (4). As a pastor, why would you encourage those baptised, who are engaged to get married, but are not practicing Catholics and may have little or no ‘faith,’ to marry sacramentally? (10)

3. Explain why some theologians propose that the Church should separate the marital contract from the marital sacrament (4). Give some reasons against having civil divorce (8). Give reasons why the Catholic Church staunchly defends the indissolubility of marriage and prohibits divorce and remarriage, except in exceptional circumstances (7). As a pastor, what should your attitude be those who are living together with difficulty in a dead marriage and what options can you present to them? (9)

4. What did Jesus say about marriage? (6) What prophetic words of Jesus give us the origin of the Sacrament of Marriage? (3) Explain philia love and agapaic love (11). As a pastor, what should your attitude be to those who are cohabitating, those who are living in a polygamous situation, those who have divorced and have civilly remarried? (10)


Please Answer One of the Following Questions Chosen by the Lecturer (20 Marks).

5. What contributions were made by the following to our thinking on marriage: The Book of Genesis (2), The Prophet Hosea (2), The Gospel of Luke (2), Paul of Tarsus (9), Augustine of Hippo (4), Pope Nicholas I (1),

6. Why did the Church have reservations about declaring marriage a sacrament? (6) Give the reasons why the Church eventually accepted marriage as a sacrament? (6) Explain briefly the following: banns of marriage (2), canonical form of marriage (2) and marriage as a domestic Church (4).

7. Present some essential elements of a marriage preparation course (12). Describe some essential positive values in Catholic marriage (8).

8. Why is Christian marriage a sacrament? (2) Describe some essential positive values in Catholic marriage. (8) Describe some ways in which a couple experience the grace and invitation of sacramental marriage (10).

Rite of Marriage

RITE OF MARRIAGE
INTRODUCTION

IMPORTANCE AND DIGNITY OF THE SACRAMENT OF MATRIMONY
1. Married Christians, in virtue of the sacrament of mat¬rimony, signify and share in the mystery of that unity and fruitful love which exists between Christ and his Church;1 they help each other to attain to holiness in their married life and in the rearing and education of their children; and they have their own special gift among the people of God.
2. Marriage arises in the covenant of marriage, or irrevocable consent, which each partner freely bestows on and accepts from the other. This intimate union and the good of the children impose total fidelity on each of them and argue for an unbreakable oneness between them. Christ the Lord raised this union to the dignity of a sacrament so that it might more clearly recall and more easily reflect his own unbreakable union with his Church.
3. Christian couples, therefore, nourish and develop their marriage by undivided affection, which wells up from the fountain of divine love, while, in a merging of human and divine love, they remain faithful in body and in mind, in good times as in bad.4
4. By their very nature, the institution of matrimony and wedded love are ordained for the procreation and education of children and find in them their ultimate crown. There¬fore, married Christians, while not considering the other purposes of marriage of less account, should be steadfast and ready to cooperate with the love of the Creator and Savior, who through them will constantly enrich and en¬large his own family.5
5 A priest should bear in mind these principles of faith, both in his instructions to those about to be married and when giving the homily during the marriage ceremony. He should relate his instructions to the texts of the sacred readings.6
The bridal couple should be given a review of the funda¬mentals of Christian doctrine. This may include instruction on the teachings about marriage and the family, on the rites used in the celebration of the sacrament itself, and on the prayers and readings. In this way the bridegroom and the bride will receive far greater benefit from the celebration.
6. In the celebration of marriage (which normally should be within the Mass), certain elements should be stressed, espe¬cially the liturgy of the word, which shows the importance of Christian marriage in the history of salvation and the duties and responsibility of the couple in caring for the holiness of their children. Also of supreme importance are the consent of the contracting parties, which the priest asks and receives; the special nuptial blessing for the bride and for the marriage covenant; and finally, the reception of holy communion by the groom and the bride, and by all present, by which their love is nourished and all are lifted up into communion with our Lord and with one another.
7. Priests should first of all strengthen and nourish the faith of those about to be married, for the sacrament of mat¬rimony presupposes and demands faith.8

CHOICE OF RITE
8. In a marriage between a Catholic and a baptized person who is not Catholic, the regulations which appear below in the rite of marriage outside Mass (nos. 39-54) shall be observed if suitable, and if the Ordinary of the place gives permission, the rite for celebrating marriage within Mass (nos. 19-38) may be used, except that, according to the general law, communion is not given to the non-Catholic.
In a marriage between a Catholic and one who is not baptized, the rite which appears in nos. 55-66 is to be followed.
9. Furthermore, priests should show special consideration to those who take part in liturgical celebrations or hear the gospel only on the occasion of a wedding, either because they are not Catholics, or because they are Catholics who rarely, if ever, take part in the eucharist or seem to have abandoned the practice of their faith. Priests are ministers of Christ’s gospel to everyone.
10. In the celebration of matrimony, apart from the liturgi¬cal laws providing for due honors to civil authorities, no special honors are to be paid to any private persons or classes of person, whether in the ceremonies or by external display.9
11. Whenever marriage is celebrated during Mass, white vestments are worn and the wedding Mass is used. If the marriage is celebrated on a Sunday or solemnity, the Mass of the day is used with the nuptial blessing and, where appropriate, the special final blessing.
The liturgy of the word is extremely helpful in emphasizing the meaning of the sacrament and the obligations of mar¬riage. When the wedding Mass may not be used, one of the readings in nos. 67-105 should be chosen, except from Holy Thursday to Easter and on the feasts of Christmas, Epiphany, Ascension, Pentecost, Corpus Christi, and other holidays of obligation. On the Sundays of the Christmas season and throughout the year, in Masses which are not parish Masses, the wedding Mass may be used without change.
When a marriage is celebrated during Advent or Lent or other days of penance, the parish priest should advise the couple to take into consideration the special nature of these times.

PREPARATION OF LOCAL RITUALS
12. In addition to the faculty spoken of below in no. 17 for regions where the Roman Ritual for matrimony is used, particular rituals shall be prepared, suitable for the customs and needs of individual areas, according to the principle of art. 63b and 77 of the Constitution on the Sacred Liturgy. These are to be reviewed by the Apostolic See.

In making adaptations, the following points must be re¬membered:
13. The formulas of the Roman Ritual may be adapted or, as the case may be, filled out (including the questions before the consent and the actual words of consent). When the Roman Ritual has several optional formulas, local rituals may add other formulas of the same type.
14. Within the rite of the sacrament of matrimony, the arrangement of its parts may be varied. If it seems more suitable, even the questions before the consent may be omitted as long as the priest asks and receives the consent of the contracting parties.
15. After the exchange of rings, the crowning or veiling of the bride may take place according to local custom.
In any region where the joining of hands or the blessing or exchange of rings does not fit in with the practice of the people, the conference of bishops may allow these rites to be omitted or other rites substituted.
16. As for the marriage customs of nations that are now receiving the gospel for the first time, whatever is good and is not indissolubly bound up with superstition and error should be sympathetically considered and, if possible, pre¬served intact. Sometimes the Church admits such things into the liturgy itself, as long as they harmonize with its true and authentic spirit.10

RIGHT TO PREPARE A COMPLETELY NEW RITE
17. Each conference of bishops may draw up its own mar¬riage rite suited to the usages of the place and people and approved by the Apostolic See. The rite must always con¬form to the law that the priest assisting at such marriages must ask for and receive the consent of the contracting parties,” and the nuptial blessing should always be given.’2
18. Among peoples where the marriage ceremonies customarily take place in the home, sometimes over a period of several days, these customs should be adapted to the Chris¬tian spirit and to the liturgy. In such cases the conference of bishops, according to the pastoral needs of the people, may allow the sacramental rite to be celebrated in the home.

CHAPTER I
RITE FOR CELEBRATING MARRIAGE DURING MASS

ENTRANCE RITE
19. At the appointed time, the priest, vested for Mass, goes with the ministers to the door of the church or, if more suitable, to the altar. There he meets the bride and bride¬groom in a friendly manner, showing that the Church shares their joy.
Where it is desirable that the rite of welcome be omitted, the celebration of marriage begins at once with the Mass.
20. If there is a procession to the altar, the ministers go first, followed by the priest, and then the bride and the bridegroom. According to local custom, they may be es¬corted by at least their parents and the two witnesses. Meanwhile, the entrance song is sung.

LITURGY OF THE WORD
21. The liturgy of the word is celebrated according to the rubrics. There may be three readings, the first of them from the Old Testament.
22. After the gospel, the priest gives a homily drawn from the sacred text. He speaks about the mystery of Christian marriage, the dignity of wedded love, the grace of the sacrament and the responsibilities of married people, keep¬ing in mind the circumstances of this particular marriage.

RITE OF MARRIAGE
23. All stand, including the bride and bridegroom, and the priest addresses them in these or similar words:
My dear friends, you have come together in this church so that the Lord may seal and strengthen your love in the presence of the Church’s minister and this community. Christ abundantly blesses this love. He has already consecrated you in baptism and now he enriches and strengthens you by a special sacrament so that you may assume the duties of marriage in mutual and lasting fidelity. And so, in the presence of the Church, I ask you to state your intentions.

24. The priest then questions them about their freedom of choice, faithfulness to each other, and the acceptance and upbringing of children:
N. and N., have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in mar¬riage?
Will you honor each other as man and wife for the rest of your lives?

The following question may be omitted if, for example, the couple is advanced in years.
Will you accept children lovingly from God, and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?
Each answers the questions separately.

CONSENT
25. The priest invites the couple to declare their consent:
Since it is your intention to enter into marriage, join your right hands, and declare your consent before God and his Church.
They join hands.
At the discretion of the priest, other words which seem more suitable under the circumstances, such as friends or dearly beloved or brethren may be used. This also applies to parallel instances in the liturgy.

The bridegroom says:
I, N., take you, N., to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.
The bride says:
I, N., take you, N., to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

If, however, it seems preferable for pastoral reasons, the priest may obtain consent from the couple through ques¬tions.
First he asks the bridegroom:
N., do you take N. to be your wife? Do you promise to be true to her in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love her and honor her all the days of your life?
The bridegroom: I do.
Then he asks the bride:
N., do you take N. to be your husband? Do you promise to be true to him in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love him and honor him all the days of your life?
The bride: I do.

If pastoral necessity demands it, the conference of bishops may decree, in virtue of the faculty in no. 17, that the priest should always obtain the consent of the couple through questions.

In the dioceses of the United States, the following form may also be used:
I, N., take you, N., for my lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
I, N., take you, N., for my lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

If it seems preferable for pastoral reasons for the priest to obtain consent from the couple through questions, in the dioceses of the United States the following alternative form may be used:
N., do you take N. for your lawful wife (husband), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?
The bride (bridegroom): I do.

26. Receiving their consent, the priest says:
You have declared your consent before the Church.
May the Lord in his goodness strengthen your consent
and fill you both with his blessings.
What God has joined, men must not divide.
R. Amen.

BLESSING AND EXCHANGE OF RINGS
27. Priest: May the Lord bless + these rings which you give to each other as the sign of your love and fidelity. R. Amen.
Other forms of the blessing of the rings, nos. 110 or 111, may be chosen.
28. The bridegroom places his wife’s ring on her ring finger. He may say:
N., take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
The bride places her husband’s ring on his ring finger. She may say:
N., take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
29. The general intercessions (prayer of the faithful) follow, using formulas approved by the conference of bishops. If the rubrics call for it, the profession of faith is said after the general intercessions.

LITURGY OF THE EUCHARIST
30. The Order of Mass is followed, with the following changes. During the offertory, the bride and bridegroom may bring the bread and wine to the altar.
31. Proper preface (see nos. 115-117).
32. When the Roman canon is used, the special Hanc igitur is said (no. 118).

NUPTIAL BLESSING
33. After the Lord’s Prayer, the prayer Deliver us is omit¬ted. The priest faces the bride and bridegroom and, with hands joined, says:
My dear friends, let us turn to the Lord and pray that he will bless with his grace this woman (or N.) now married in Christ to this man (or N.)
and that (through the sacrament of the body and blood of Christ,)
he will unite in love the couple he has joined in this holy bond.
All pray silently for a short while. Then the priest extends his hands and continues:
Father, by your power you have made everything out of nothing.
In the beginning you created the universe and made mankind in your own likeness.
You gave man the constant help of woman so that man and woman should no longer be two,
but one flesh, and you teach us that what you have united may never be divided.

Or: Father, you have made the union of man and wife so holy a mystery
that it symbolizes the marriage of Christ and his Church.

Or: Father, by your plan man and woman are united, and married life has been established
as the one blessing that was not forfeited by original sin
or washed away in the flood.
Look with love upon this woman, your daughter,
now joined to her husband in marriage.
She asks your blessing.
Give her the grace of love and peace.
May she always follow the example of the holy women
whose praises are sung in the scriptures.
May her husband put his trust in her and recognize that she is his equal and the heir with him to the life of grace. May he always honor her and love her as Christ loves his bride, the Church.
Father, keep them always true to your commandments.
Keep them faithful in marriage
and let them be living examples of Christian life.
Give them the strength which comes from the gospel so that they may be witnesses of Christ to others. (Bless them with children
and help them to be good parents.
May they live to see their children’s children.) And, after a happy old age, grant them fullness of life with the saints in the kingdom of heaven.
We ask this through Christ our Lord.
R. Amen.

34. If one or both of the parties will not be receiving communion, the words in the introduction to the nuptial blessing, through the sacrament of the body and blood of Christ, may be omitted.
If desired, in the prayer Father, by your power, two of the first three paragraphs may be omitted, keeping only the paragraph which corresponds to the reading of the Mass.
In the last paragraph of this prayer, the words in paren¬theses may be omitted whenever circumstances suggest it, if, for example, the couple is advanced in years.
Other forms of the nuptial blessing, no. 120 or 121, may be chosen.
35. At the words Let us offer each other the sign of peace, the married couple and all present show their peace and love for one another in an appropriate way.
36. The married couple may receive communion under both kinds.

BLESSING AT THE END OF MASS
37. Before blessing the people at the end of Mass, the priest blesses the bride and bridegroom, using one of the forms in nos. 125-127.

Or: In the dioceses of the United States, the following form may be used:
May almighty God, with his Word of blessing, unite your hearts in the never-ending bond of pure love. R Amen.
May your children bring you happiness, and may your generous love for them be returned to you, many times over.
R Amen.
May the peace of Christ live always in your hearts and in your home.
May you have true friends to stand by you, both in joy and in sorrow.
May you be ready and willing to help and comfort all who come to you in need.
And may the blessings promised to the compassionate be yours in abundance.
R. Amen.
May you find happiness and satisfaction in your work.
May daily problems never cause you undue anxiety, nor the desire for earthly possessions dominate your lives.
But may your hearts’ first desire be always the good things waiting for you in the life of heaven.
R. Amen.
May the Lord bless you with many happy years together, so that you may enjoy the rewards of a good life.
And after you have served him loyally in his kingdom on earth, may he welcome you to his eternal kingdom in heaven.
R. Amen.
And may almighty God bless you all, the Father, and the Son, + and the Holy Spirit.
R. Amen.
38. If two or more marriages are celebrated at the same time, the questioning before the consent, the consent itself, and the acceptance of consent shall always be done indi¬vidually for each couple; the rest, including the nuptial blessing, is said once for all, using the plural form.

CHAPTER II
RITE FOR CELEBRATING MARRIAGE OUTSIDE MASS

ENTRANCE RITE AND LITURGY OF THE WORD
39. At the appointed time, the priest, wearing surplice and white stole (or a white cope, if desired), proceeds with the ministers to the door of the church, or, if more suitable, to the altar. There he greets the bride and bridegroom in a friendly manner, showing that the Church shares their joy.
Where it is desirable that the rite of welcome be omitted, the celebration of matrimony begins at once with the liturgy of the word.
40. If there is a procession to the altar, the ministers go first, followed by the priest, and then the bride and the bridegroom. According to local custom, they may be es¬corted by at least their parents and the two witnesses. Meanwhile, the entrance song is sung.
Then the people are greeted, and the prayer is offered, unless a brief pastoral exhortation seems more desirable.’4 See nos. 106-109.
41. The liturgy of the word takes place in the usual manner. There may be three readings, the first of them from the Old Testament. See nos. 67-105.
42. After the gospel, the priest gives a homily drawn from the sacred text. He speaks about the mystery of Christian marriage, the dignity of wedded love, the grace of the sacrament, and the responsibilities of married people, keeping in mind the circumstances of this particular marriage.

RITE OF MARRIAGE
43. All stand, including the bride and bridegroom, and the priest addresses them in these or similar words:
My dear friends, you have come together in this church so that the Lord may seal and strengthen your love in the presence of the Church’s minister and this community. Christ abundantly blesses this love. He has already consecrated you in baptism and now he enriches and strengthens you by a special sacrament so that you may assume the duties of marriage in mutual and lasting fidelity. And so, in the presence of the Church, I ask you to state your intentions.
44. The priest then questions them about their freedom of choice, faithfulness to each other, and the acceptance and upbringing of children:
If two or more marriages are celebrated at the same time, see no. 38, above.
N. and N., have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in mar¬riage?
Will you love and honor each other as man and wife for the rest of your lives?

The following question may be omitted if, for example, the couple is advanced in years.
Will you accept children lovingly from God, and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?
Each answers the questions separately.

CONSENT
45. The priest invites them to declare their consent:
Since it is your intention to enter into marriage, join your right hands, and declare your consent before God and his Church.
They join hands.
The bridegroom says:
I, N., take you, N., to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.
The bride says:
I, N., take you, N., to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.
If, however, it seems preferable for pastoral reasons, the priest may obtain consent from the couple through ques¬tions. First he asks the bridegroom:
N., do you take N. to be your wife? Do you promise to be true to her in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love her and honor her all the days of your life?
The bridegroom: I do.
Then he asks the bride:
N., do you take N. to be your husband? Do you promise to be true to him in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love him and honor him all the days of your life?
The bride: I do.
If pastoral necessity demands it, the conference of bishops may decree, in virtue of the faculty in no. 17, that the priest Should always obtain the consent of the couple through questions.

In the dioceses of the United States, the following form may also be used:
I, N., take you, N., for my lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
I, N., take you N., for my lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
If it seems preferable for pastoral reasons for the priest to obtain consent from the couple through questiOns1 in the dioceses of the United States the following alternative form may be used:
N., do you take N. for your lawful wife (husband), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, f or poorer1 in sickness and in health, until death do you part?
The bride (bridegroom) I do.

46. Receiving their consent, the priest says:
You have declared your consent before the Church. May the Lord in his goodness strengthen your consent and fill you both with his blessings.
What God has joined, men must not divide. R. Amen.

BLESSING AND EXCHANGE OF RINGS
47. Priest: May the Lord bless + these rings which you give to each other as the sign of your love and fidelity.
R. Amen.
For other forms of the blessing of rings, see nos. 110, 111.
48. The bridegroom places his wife’s ring on her ring finger. He may say:
N., take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
The bride places her husband’s ring on his ring finger. She may say:
N., take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

GENERAL INTERCESSIONS AND NUPTIAL BLESSINGS
49. The general intercessions (prayer of the faithful) and the blessing of the couple take place in this order:
a) First the priest uses the invitatory of any blessing of the couple [see the first part of no. 33, 120, and 121] or any other, taken from the approved formulas for the general intercessions.
b) Immediately after the invitatory, there can be either a brief silence, or a series of petitions from the prayer of the faithful with responses by the people. All the petitions should be in harmony with the blessing which follows, but should not duplicate it.
c) Then, omitting the prayer that concludes the prayer of the faithful, the priest extends his hands and blesses the bride and bridegroom.
50. This blessing may be Father, by your power, (no. 33) or another from nos. 120 or 121.

CONCLUSION OF THE CELEBRATION
51. The entire rite can be concluded with the Lord’s Prayer and the blessing, whether with the simple form, May almighty God, or with one of the forms in nos. 125-127.
52. If two or more marriages are celebrated at the same time, the questioning before the consent, the consent itself and the acceptance of consent shall always be done individually for each couple; the rest, including the nuptial blessing, is said Once for all using the plural form.
53. The rite described above should be used by a deacon who, when a priest cannot be present, has been delegated by the bishop or pastor to assist at the celebration of marriage, and to give the Church’s blessing.15
54. If Mass cannot be celebrated and communion is to be distributed during the rite, the Lord’s Prayer is said first. After communion, a reverent silence may be observed for awhile, or a psalm or song of praise may be sung or recited. Then comes the prayer, Lord, we who have shared (no. 123, if only the bride and bridegroom receive), or the prayer, God, who in this wondrous sacrament or other suitable prayer.
The rite ends with a blessing, either the simple formula, May almighty God bless you, or one of the forms in nos. 125-127.

CHAPTER III
RITE FOR CELEBRATING MARRIAGE BETWEEN A CATHOLIC AND AN UNBAPTIZED PERSON
If marriage is celebrated between a Catholic and unbaptized person (either a catechumen or a non-Christian), the rite may be performed in the church or some other suitable place and takes the following form.

RITE OF WELCOME AND LITURGY OF THE WORD
55. At the appointed time, the priest, wearing surplice and white stole (or a white cope if desired), proceeds with the ministers to the door of the church or to another appropriate place and greets the bride and the bridegroom.
Where it is desirable that the rite of welcome be omitted, the celebration of marriage begins at once with the liturgy of the word.
56. The liturgy of the word takes place in the usual manner. There may be three readings, the first of them from the Old Testament. If circumstances make it more desirable, there may be a single reading. See nos. 67-105.
57. A homily, drawn from the sacred text, is given and should speak of the obligations of marriage and other ap¬propriate points.

RITE OF MARRIAGE
58. All stand, including the bride and the bridegroom. The Priest addresses them in these or similar words:
My dear friends, you have come together in this church 80 that the Lord may seal and strengthen your love in the presence of the Church’s minister and this community. In this way you will be strengthened to keep mutual and lasting faith with each other and to carry out the other duties of marriage. And so, in the presence of the Church, I ask you to state your intentions.
59. The priest then questions them about their freedom of choice, faithfulness to each other, and the acceptance and upbringing of children:
N. and N., have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in mar¬riage?
Will you love and honor each other as man and wife for the rest of your lives?

The following question may be omitted if, for example, the couple is advanced in years.
Will you accept children lovingly from God, and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?
Each answers the questions separately.

CONSENT
60. The priest invites them to declare their consent:
Since it is your intention to enter into marriage, join your right hands, and declare your consent before God and his Church.
They join hands.

The bridegroom says:
I, N., take you, N., to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.
The bride says:
I, N., take you, N., to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

If, however, it seems perferable for pastoral reasons, the priest may obtain consent from the couple through ques¬tions. First he asks the bridegroom:
N., do you take N. to be your wife? Do you promise
to be true to her in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love her and honor her all the days of your life?
The bridegroom: I do. Then he asks the bride:
N., do you take N. to be your husband? Do you promise to be true to him in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love him and honor him all the days of your life?
The bride: I do.
If pastoral necessity demands it, the conference of bishops may decree, in virtue of the faculty in no. 17, that the priest should always obtain the consent of the couple through questions.

In the dioceses of the United States, the following form may also be used:
I, N., take you, N., for my lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
I, N., take you, N., for my lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

If it seems preferable for pastoral reasons for the priest to obtain consent from the couple through questions, in the dioceses of the United States the following alternative form may be used:
N., do you take N. for your lawful wife (husband), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do you part?
The bride (bridegroom): I do.

61. Receiving their consent, the priest says:
You have declared your consent before the Church. May the Lord in his goodness strengthen your consent and fill you both with his blessings.
What God has joined, men must not divide.
R. Amen.

BLESSING AND EXCHANGE OF RINGS
62. If circumstances so require, the blessing and exchange of rings can be omitted. If this rite is observed, the priest says:
May the Lord bless + these rings which you give to each other as the sign of your love and fidelity.
R. Amen.
For other forms of the blessing of rings, see nos. 110-111.
63. The bridegroom places his wife’s ring on her ring finger. He may say:
N., take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
The bride places her husband’s ring on his ring finger. She may say:
N., take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

GENERAL INTERCESSIONS AND NUPTIAL BLESSINGS
64. If circumstances so require, the blessing of the bride and bridegroom can be omitted. If used, it is combined with the general intercessions (prayer of the faithful) in this order:
a) First the priest uses the invitatory of any blessing of the couple (see the first part of nos. 33, 120, and 121) or any other, taken from any approved formula for the general intercessions.
b) Immediately after the invitatory, there can be either a brief period of silence, or a series of petitions from the prayer of the faithful with responses by the people. All the petitions should be in harmony with the blessing which follows, but should not duplicate it.
c) Then, omitting the prayer that concludes the prayer of the faithful, the priest blesses the bride and the bridegroom:
65. Facing them, he joins his hands and says:
My brothers and sisters, let us ask God for his con¬tinued blessings upon this bridegroom and his bride.
All pray silently for a short while. Then the priest extends his hands and continues:
Holy Father, creator of the universe, maker of man and woman in your likeness, source of blessing for married life, we humbly pray to you for this bride
who today is united with her husband in the bond of marriage.
May your fullest blessing come upon her and her husband
so that they may together rejoice in your gift of married love.
May they be noted for their good lives, (and be parents filled with virtue).
Lord, may they both praise you when they are happy and turn to you in their sorrows.
May they be glad that you help them in their work, and know that you are with them in their need. May they reach old age in the company of their friends,
and come at last to the kingdom of heaven. We ask this through Christ our Lord.
R Amen.

CONCLUSION OF THE CELEBRATION
66. The rite may be concluded with the Lord’s Prayer (or, if the nuptial blessing has been omitted, another prayer by the priest) and a blessing using the customary form, May al¬mighty God bless you or another formula from nos. 125-127

CHAPTER IV

TEXTS FOR USE IN THE MARRIAGE RITE AND IN THE WEDDING MASS
I. SCRIPTURE READINGS
In the wedding Mass and in marriages celebrated without Mass, the following selections may be used:

OLD TESTAMENT READINGS
67. Genesis 1:26-28, 31a Male and female he created them.
68. Genesis 2:18-24 And they will be two in one flesh.
69. Genesis 24:48-51, 58-67
Isaac loved Rebekah, and so he was consoled for the loss of his mother.
70. Tobit 7:9-10, 11-15 May God join you together and fill you with his blessings.
71. Tobit 8:5-10 May God bring us to old age together.
72. Song of Songs 2:8-10, 14, 16a; 8:6-7a
For love is as strong as death.
73. Ecclesiasticus 26:1-4, 16-21
Like the sun rising is the beauty of a good wife in a well-kept house.
74. Jeremiah 31:31-32a, 33-34a
I will make a new covenant with the House of Israel and Judah.

NEW TESTAMENT READINGS
75. Romans 8:31b-35, 37-39 Who will separate us from the love of Christ?
76. Romans 12:1-2, 9-18 (longer) or Romans 12:1-2, 9-13 (shorter)
Offer to God your bodies as a living and holy sacrifice, truly pleasing to him.
77. 1 Corinthians 6:13c-15a, 17-20 Your body is a temple of the Spirit.
78. 1 Corinthians 12:3 1; 13:8a If I am without love, it will do me no good whatever.
79. Ephesians 5:2a, 21-33 (longer) or 2a, 25-32 (shorter) This mystery has many implications, and I am saying it applies to Christ and the Church.
80. Colossians 3:12-17 Above all have love, which is the bond of perfection.
81. lPeter3:1-9 You should agree with one another, be sympathetic and love the brothers.
82. 1 John 3:18-24 Our love is to be something real and active.
83. lJohn4:7-12 God is love.
84. Revelation 191, 5-9a
Happy are those who are invited to the wedding feast of the Lamb.

RESPONSORIAL PSALMS
85. Psalm 33:12 and 18, 20-21, 22
R. (5b) The earth is full of the goodness of the Lord.
86. Psalm 34:2-3, 4-5, 6-7, 8-9
R. (2a) I will bless the Lord at all times.
Or: (9a) Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.
87. Psalm 103:1-2, 8 and 13, l7-18a
R (8a) The Lord is kind and merciful.
Or: (17) The Lord’s kindness is everlasting to those who fear him.
88. Psalm 112:1-2, 3.4, 5-7a, Thc-8, 9
R. (1b) Happy are those who do what the Lord commands.
Or: Alleluia.
89. Psalm 128:1-2, 3, 4-5
R. (la) Happy are those who fear the Lord.
Or: (4) See how the Lord blesses those who fear him.
90. Psalm 145:8-9, 10 and 15, 17-18
R (9a) The Lord is compassionate to all his creatures.
91. Psalm 148:1-2, 3-4, 9-10, 11-l2ab, 12c-14a
R (12c) Let all praise the name of the Lord.
Or: Alleluia.

ALLELUIA VERSE AND VERSE BEFORE THE GOSPEL
92. lJohn4:8 and 11
God is love; let us love one another as he has loved us.
93. lJohn4:l2
If we love one another God will live in us in perfect love.
94. lJohn4:l6
He who lives in love, lives in God, and God in him.
95. lJohn4:7b
Everyone who loves is born of God and knows him.

GOSPELS
96. Matthew 5:1-12 Rejoice and be glad, for your reward will be great in heaven.
97. Matthew 5:13-16 You are the light of the world.
98. Matthew 7:21, 24-29 (longer) or 21, 24-25 (shorter) He built his house on rock.
99. Matthew 19:3-6 So then, what God has united, man must not divide.
100. Mathew 22:35-40
This is the greatest and the first commandment. The second is similar to it.
101. Mark 10:6-9 They are no longer two, therefore, but one body.
102. John 2:1-11
This was the first of the signs given by Jesus; it was given at Cana in Galilee.
103. John 15:9-12 Remain in my love.
104. John 15:12-16 This is my commandment: love one another.
105. John 17:20-26 (longer) or 20-23 (shorter) May they be completely one.

II. OPENING PRAYERS
106. Father, you have made the bond of marriage a holy mystery, a symbol of Christ’s love for his Church. Hear our prayers for N. and N. With faith in you and in each other they pledge their love today. May their lives always bear witness to the reality of that love.

We ask this through our Lord Jesus Christ, your Son, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever.

107.

Father, hear our prayers for N. and N., who today are united in marriage before your altar. Give them your blessing. and strengthen their love for each other.
We ask this through our Lord Jesus Christ, your Son, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever.

108.

Almighty God, hear our prayers for N. and N., who have come here today to be united in the sacrament of marriage. Increase their faith in you and in each other, and through them bless your Church (with Christian children).
We ask this through our Lord Jesus Christ, your Son, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever.

109.
Father, when you created mankind you willed that man and wife should be one. Bind N. and N. in the loving union of marriage; and make their love fruitful so that they may be living witnesses to your divine love in the world.
We ask this through our Lord Jesus Christ, your Son, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever.


III. BLESSING OF RINGS
110.
Lord, bless these rings which we bless + in your name.
Grant that those who wear them may always have a deep faith in each other. May they do your will and always live together in peace, good will, and love.

We ask this through Christ our Lord. R. Amen.

111.

Lord, bless + and consecrate N. and N. in their love for each other. May these rings be a symbol of true faith in each other, and always remind them of their love.
We ask this through Christ our Lord.

R. Amen.


IV. PRAYERS OVER THE GIFTS

112.
Lord, accept our offering
for this newly-married couple, N. and N.
By your love and providence you have brought them together;
now bless them all the days of their married life. We ask this through Christ our Lord.

113.
Lord, accept the gifts we offer you on this happy day. In your fatherly love watch over and protect N. and N., whom you have united in marriage.
We ask this through Christ our Lord.

114.
Lord, hear our prayers
and accept the gifts we offer for N. and N. Today you have made them one in the sacrament of marriage. May the mystery of Christ’s unselfish love, Which we celebrate in this eucharist, increase their love for you and for each other.
We ask this through Christ our Lord.

V. PREFACES
115.

Father, all-powerful and ever-living God, we do well always and everywhere to give you
thanks.
By this sacrament your grace unites man and woman in an unbreakable bond of love and peace.
You have designed the chaste love of husband and wife
for the increase both of the human family and of your own family born in baptism.
You are the loving Father of the world of nature; you are the loving Father of the new creation of grace. In Christian marriage you bring together the two orders of creation:
nature’s gift of children enriches the world and your grace enriches also your Church.
Through Christ the choirs of angels and all the saints praise and worship your glory. May our voices blend with theirs as we join in their unending hymn.

116.
Father, all-powerful and ever-living God, we do well always and everywhere to give you thanks through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Through him you entered into a new covenant with your people.
You restored man to grace in the saving mystery of redemption.
You gave him a share in the divine life through his union with Christ.
You made him an heir of Christ’s eternal glory. This outpouring of love in the new covenant of grace is symbolized in the marriage covenant that seals the love of husband and wife and reflects your divine plan of love.
And so, with the angels and all the saints in heaven we proclaim your glory
and join in their unending hymn of praise

117.
Father, all-powerful and ever-living God, we do well always and everywhere to give you
thanks.
You created man in love to share your divine life. We see his high destiny in the love of husband and wife, which bears the imprint of your own divine love.
Love is man’s origin, love is his constant calling, love is his fulfillment in heaven.
The love of man and woman is made holy in the sacrament of marriage, and becomes the mirror of your everlasting love.
Through Christ the choirs of angels and all the saints
praise and worship your glory.
May our voices blend with theirs as we join in their unending hymn:

VI. HANC IGITUR
118. The words in parentheses may be omitted if desired.

Father, accept this offering from your whole family
and from N. and N., for whom we now pray. You have brought them to their wedding day:
Grant them (the gift and joy of children and) a long and happy life together.
[Through Christ our Lord. Amen.]

VII. NUPTIAL BLESSING
119.
Father, by your power, with the proper invitatory, as in no. 33.

120. In the following prayer, either the paragraph Holy Father, you created mankind, or the paragraph Father, to reveal the plan of your love, may be omitted, keeping only
the paragraph which corresponds to the reading of the Mass.

The priest faces the bride and bridegroom and, with hands joined, says:

Let us pray to the Lord for N. and N.
who come to God’s altar at the beginning of their married life
so that they may always be united in love for each other
(as now they share in the body and blood of Christ).

All pray silently for a short while. Then the priest extends his hands and continues:

Holy Father, you created mankind in your own image and made man and woman to be joined as husband and wife
in union of body and heart
and so fulfill their mission in this world.

Father, to reveal the plan of your love, you made the union of husband and wife an image of the covenant between you and your
people.
In the fulfillment of this sacrament, the marriage of Christian man and woman
is a sign of the marriage between Christ and the Church.

Father, stretch out your hand, and bless N. and N.
Lord, grant that as they begin to live this sacrament they may share with each other the gifts of your love and become one in heart and mind as witnesses to your presence in their marriage. Help them to create a home together (and give them children to be formed by the gospel and to have a place in your family).

Give your blessings to N., your daughter, so that she may be a good wife (and mother), caring for the home, faithful in love for her husband, generous and kind.
Give your blessings to N., your son, so that he may be a faithful husband (and a good father).
Father, grant that as they come together to your table on earth,
so they may one day have the joy of sharing your feast in heaven.
We ask this through Christ our Lord.
R. Amen.

121. The priest faces the bride and bridegroom and, with hands joined, says:

My dear friends, let us ask God
for his continued blessings upon this bridegroom and his bride (or N. and N.).

All pray silently for a short while. Then the priest extends his hands and continues:
Holy Father, creator of the universe, maker of man and woman in your own likeness, Source of blessing for married life, we humbly pray to you for this woman who today is united with her husband in this sacrament of marriage.

May your fullest blessing come upon her and her husband
so that they may together rejoice in your gift of married love
(and enrich your Church with their children).

Lord, may they both praise you when they are happy and turn to you in their sorrows.
May they be glad that you help them in their work and know that you are with them in their need. May they pray to you in the community of the Church,
and be your witnesses in the world.
May they reach old age in the company of their friends,
and come at last to the kingdom of heaven. We ask this through Christ our Lord. RI. Amen.


VIII. PRAYERS AFTER COMMUNION

122.
Lord, in your love
you have given us this eucharist
to unite us with one another and with you. As you have made N. and N.
one in this sacrament of marriage (and in the sharing of the one bread and the one cup), so now make them one in love for each other.
We ask this through Christ our Lord.

123.
Lord, we who have shared the food of your table
pray for our friends N. and N., whom you have joined together in marriage. Keep them close to you always. May their love for each other proclaim to all the world their faith in you.
We ask this through Christ our Lord.

124.
Almighty God, may the sacrifice we have offered and the eucharist we have shared strengthen the love of N. and N., and give us all your fatherly aid.
We ask this through Christ our Lord.


IX. BLESSING AT THE END OF MASS
125.
God the eternal Father keep you in love with each other,
so that the peace of Christ may stay with you and be always in your home.
R. Amen.

May (your children bless you,) your friends console you and all men live in peace with you.
R. Amen.

May you always bear witness to the love of God in this world so that the afflicted and the needy will find in you generous friends, and welcome you into the joys of heaven.
R. Amen.

And ‘nay almighty God bless you all, the Father, and the Son, + and the Holy Spirit. ~ Amen.

126.

May God, the almighty Father, give you his joy and bless you (in your children).
R. Amen.

May the only Son of God have mercy on you and help you in good times and in bad.
R. Amen.

May the Holy Spirit of God always fill your hearts with his love.
R. Amen.

And may almighty God bless you all, the Father, and the Son, + and the Holy Spirit.
R. Amen.

127.
May the Lord Jesus, who was a guest at the wedding in Cana,
bless you and your families and friends.
R. Amen.

May Jesus, who loved his Church to the end, always fill your hearts with his love.
R. Amen.

May he grant that, as you believe in his resurrection, so you may wait for him in joy and hope.
R. Amen.

And may almighty God bless you all, the Father, and the Son, + and the Holy Spirit.
R. Amen.

Appendices

Appendix I Characteristics of good listeners.

1. Good Listeners Listen with Their Eyes.
Remember: The surest way to be interesting is to be interested, and the intensity of your interest can be measured by the way your body talks. Eye contact is one of the surest indicators. If you are staring at the wall or glancing at other people, the speaker gets a strong impression of how little you care about the conversation. On the other hand, if you look people directly in the eyes as they speak, you will be amazed at how quickly they get the compliment. The eye-lock is a powerful magnet for making contact with people.
2. Good Listeners Dispense Advice Sparingly.
Those who are experts at love are very chary of advice. When people bring you problems, they may appear to want your opinion. They may even say they need advice. But more often than not, they will thank you for simply listening. Because you help them get the problem outside themselves and their issues get back into perspective, and they are able to arrive at their own decision.
3. Good Listeners Never Break a Confidence.
One of the signs of deepening connections with people is that they trust you with secrets. Little by little, you are handed morsels of information with which you could do them harm. Then they wait to see how you handle the trust. If you hold it gently, they breathe a sigh of relief and tell you more. So the cardinal rule for every person who desires better relationships is: Learn to close your mouth to keep confidences.
4. Good Listeners Complete the Loop.
Person A makes a statement. Person B acknowledges the statement and person A confirms the acknowledgment.
5. Good Listeners Are Honoured When Someone Lets Down Their Guard.
We invariably feel closer to people who share their secrets and we feel complimented that they have trusted us enough to divulge their secrets. As people share their secrets, they are complementing you because they trust you. In response always try to thank them and to tell them that we are honoured that they have chosen to reveal themselves to us.

Appendix II Suggestions for dealing with the anger of a friend towards you.

Do not stifle your response. You may or may not be able to sit quietly as your beloved ventilates anger. You do not have to stifle your feelings any more than your friend does.
Do not assign permanence to emotions. It is a common trap to assume that because your friend has blasted you today, the feeling will endure tomorrow. In fact, most such emotions are transitory.
Remember that you can love and be angry at the same time. Most of us have a certain mixture of love and anger in all our intimate relationships, and if you will remind yourself of that fact as your loved one is railing, it may help.
Ventilate your ire with a friend rather than with the person who is the irritant.
Get some physical outlet for your aggressions. Take on some vigorous exercise; the more competitive the better. Tennis, racquetball, punching a bag, jogging will all make you easier to get along with. Our physical well-being can have a big influence on our emotions.


Appendix III Six Techniques to Help You Get Angry without Becoming Destructive

Not only is it possible to express anger, but it is essential in solid friendships. Here are six techniques for doing so.
1. Talk About Your Feelings, Not Your Friend's Faults
It doesn't hurt to employ a little ingenuity in our negative expressions. The woman who says, You're not very thoughtful going off to be with your pals every evening, isn't going to improve her relationship with her husband that way. She might put it this way: "I miss having you with me in the evening. I'd love it if you'd keep me company." Few husbands can say no to that kind of invitation.
2. Stick to One Topic
If you are lodging a complaint with your spouse, the frustrating problem should be expressed in one simple sentence, such as: "It bothers me that when we have finished dinner you sit there and pick your teeth." The resolution of one problem at a time is difficult enough without pulling in old grievances.
3. Allow Your Friend to Respond
People who walk out during an argument are dirty fighters. If you are unhappy with someone, you have a right to express it, but you also have the responsibility to stay and hear the other side. Then there's an opportunity for resolution or compromise.
4. Aim for Ventilation and Resolution, Not Conquest
Lots of trouble can be avoided if friends agreed on the ground rule that they will express their anger not to win but simply to get it out. The aim is to ventilate our feelings, and hopefully search for some resolution, not to force the other to surrender. No one has to conquer the other.
5. Avoid Alcohol and Drugs as Stimulants
Statistics indicate that many homicides involve alcohol, and even if you're not thinking of mayhem, it is wise to have such discussions as these when you're clean and sober. Yes, for some people it is easier to raise an unpleasant topic after a stiff drink or two, but if you resort to that device you may do irreparable damage and not even remember what you said the next day.
6. Balance Criticism with Lots of Affection
When we have to criticize the action of our spouse, we should do so in the context of strong affirmation and great affection.

Student Notes 2010E

Chapter Eleven Marriage Preparation


Because of all the challenges in married life, the Catholic Church now emphasises the necessity of having marriage preparation for her members. Catholic dioceses offer marriage preparation courses for engaged couples to help them as much as possible to have a happy marriage and be an effective symbol of Christ’s love. Priests are expected to counsel them about the duties and responsibilities of marriage as well as help them prepare their wedding liturgy and strengthen their faith (Can 1063, FC 66). It is common today for a diocese to require that the parish be notified six months before the wedding so as to have adequate time for preparation. Research shows that marriage preparation is most helpful when it is preceded by adult religious education, when it is presented by a team of clergy and lay people, when it is done in a participative workshop style and when it deals with the six Cs, which are as follows: communication, commitment, conflict, children, church, and careers (Noll, SNUG, p. 155). In marriage preparation, these elements may be explored and discussed with the couples in a participatory manner.


1. Communication.

• Transparency.
Good communication does help to increase the love of the couple for each other. The one characteristic that people with deep and lasting friendships always have is a lack of pretence with each other; they do not cover-up, they have a certain transparency, they allow their loved ones to see what is in their hearts. Jesus stated: “I call you friends, because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from my Father" (Jn 15.15). Jesus clearly sees transparency as essential for friendship and a loving relationship. Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. Moreover, the sharing of hopes and desires is necessary for any good relationship; good friends never assume they can read each other’s minds. The aim of the course facilitator is to help the couple perceive that cultivating transparency and good communication is essential for a loving marital relationship and to assist them in opening up to each other and becoming familiar with each other. An important place to begin is to invite the couple to share their family story and to talk about the family they grew up in and that raised them. The facilitator helps the couple to be aware of the feelings and attitudes they bring into the marriage that each has imbibed from their upbringing. He/she assists them to see more clearly that their feelings – their hopes and fears, their joys and pains – influence how they relate with each other, and to distinguish effective ways of communicating, which will enrich their relationships, from poor ways of communicating, which can only lead to difficulty. He/she leads them to see the value of turning towards each other and of allowing their partner to influence them and of encouraging each other to talk honestly about their convictions.

• Talk
Talk is cheap, they say, but it still is an essential ingredient in the best relationships and there can be no intimacy without conversation and many close relationships break down because the talk dried up. To know and love a spouse over the years, you must have regular breaks for talks. Because sometimes it requires a great deal of energy, spouses avoid regular periods of sustained conversation with their partners. Some spouses and friends also do not have the self-awareness and confidence to speak of their idiosyncrasies, preferences, styles of living and desires. The facilitator assists the couple in growing in self-awareness and self-understanding so that they know their idiosyncrasies well and are able to explain to their partners their preferences and desires. He/she helps them to see the importance of talking to each other and of fixing in leisurely breaks for talk in their married lives.

• Personal Conversation
Conversation, the informal verbal exchange of ideas, can be divided into three categories: facts, opinions, and emotions. We can track the degree to which two people are getting close by noticing how the talk moves from facts to opinions to emotions. New acquaintances usually restrict their conversation to facts. Then they begin to trust each other with their opinions, and finally, if they become genuine friends, emotions begin to emerge. Studies show that newly married couples talk to each other more than twice as much as couples married for years. But the content of their talk is even more telling than the amount. At first, it is the sort of talk that close friends enjoy; the exploring and revealing of beliefs and feelings, likes and dislikes, and the trading and comparing of ideas about aesthetic subjects, sex, beliefs, and plans for the future. Later the talk is more mundane – decisions about money, household matters, problems with the children. The facilitator helps couples to realise that to cultivate their intimacy, it is necessary for them to talk freely about their feelings to each other.

• Listening.
The first duty of love is to listen (Paul Tillich). The road to the heart is the ear (Voltaire). Jesus was a master conversationalist, but he also listened to the men and women before him. For married couples to grow in intimacy, it is important to learn to listen. The facilitator helps the couples to realise that listening is important for deepening their relationship and he/she presents them with some guidelines for listening (See Appendix I at end of Chapter).

• Affection
When one distils the core of our living, it has almost nothing to do with houses or bank accounts or business achievements. It is all about love and affection. Jesus did not miss any opportunity of declaring his affection. He said in a hundred different ways that he loved his friends. There could have been no doubt in their minds of his affection. We might be slow in saying openly our care and love because our affection may not be returned, or we may be rejected, or even worse, for men, that we will be laughed at for our sentimentality. So out of fear, some of us some of us hold back expressions of warmth and seldom declare our love to the people we are close to. Chesterton once said that the meanest fear is the fear of sentimentality. The facilitator’s task then is to assist the couple to talk about their affection for each other and to explore various ways that they can express their love for each other and to help them understand that we communicate with everything we have – body, mind, and soul.

• Affirmation
“I can live for two months on one good compliment” – Mark Twain. "A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall” – Abraham Lincoln. So to increase your success with people, master the art of affirmation. The way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. To cultivate intimacy: Be liberal with praise. "The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated" – William James. "As long as one can admire and love, then one is young forever" – Pablo Casals. The facilitator assists couples to realise that in being liberal with praise to each other they are deepening their relationship.

• Intimacy
Our bodies can become our best tools for achieving genuine intimacy with those around us. If you observe those who have deep relationships, you will find that, although few of them are indiscriminate grabbers who hug everyone in sight, most have delicately tuned their sense of touch and it is in use every time they are with people. They listen with their eyes, they draw close to another person during conversation, and they make body contact frequently to keep the communication at a warm level. In his ministry, Jesus touches people again and again. He "stretched out his hand and touched" the leper, for instance (Mt 8:3). When Peter's mother-in-law was sick, Jesus "touched her hand, and the fever left her" (Mt 8:15), and when mothers brought their little children to him, "he took them up in his arms, laid his hands on them, and blessed them (Mk 10:16). Both men and women confide often that the thing they long for most is to be able to go to their mate and be held for a while. Physical gushing is as offensive as verbal gushing, but when it is a genuine expression of your affection, touch can bring you closer to another than thousands of words. In our contacts with the opposite sex, touching need not always have a sexual connotation. We can give encouragement, offer comfort, or express tenderness with physical demonstrations. It is not accidental that the Bible prescribes the laying on of hands as part of Christian healing. We can often do more than we realize with touch.
It is a mistake for couples to limit their physical contact to basic sexual intercourse. If a husband and wife differ in how often they would like to make love and they spend leisurely amounts of time caressing each other, their sexual needs will level out somewhat. The partner who formerly complained about not getting enough sex is content with less frequent intercourse because of the glow he gets from intense touching, and the partner who formerly was turned off much of the time becomes highly aroused by these new experiences and desires more frequent lovemaking. The facilitator helps couples see that to cultivate intimacy it is necessary for them to use their bodies to demonstrate warmth and to touch and caress each other often, that sexuality involves much more than just sex, that their engagement in sexual activity is an expression of their love for each other, and that their attitudes towards sexuality shape their approach to it.

• Space
There is always a little tendency in us to control and dominate others, but if this gets too strong, it will only disturb people. “At the heart of love, there is a simple secret: The lover lets the beloved be free.” Those who have successful relationships allow their loved ones plenty of space & freedom. Rather than possessing their friends, they try to help them expand and grow and become free. Sometimes spouses can be so much together that they suffocate each other. So, it is essential for couples to create space and freedom in their relationships. Kahlil Gibran advises: Stand together, yet not too near together; for the pillars of the temple stand apart, & the oak tree & the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” The facilitator guides them to understand the importance of creating space in their relationships. In general, the course aims at facilitating the couple’s growth in familiarity, their awareness of the need for transparency, their expression of affection for each other, their sensitivity towards sexual intimacy and their acceptance of space in their relationship.


2. Commitment.
• Priority
This involves the commitment to become an intimate couple faithfully loving each other and it happens first of all by assigning top priority to the relationship. People, who make the choice for friends and spouses, have good friends and good relationships with their spouses. They regard their relationships as so important that no matter how busy they are, they develop a way of living that allows them be with their friends to love them & care for them. Lonely persons, though they moan over their lack of close companions, actually place little emphasis on the cultivation of friends. They are occupied with other matters. Success in marriage is not a matter of finding the right person but it means being the right person yourself. We become the right person by assigning top priority to our marital relationship. The facilitator helps the couple to understand that becoming a couple does not happen spontaneously and that it requires they make their relationship a priority and give it focus, time and commitment so as to move from being two good people living together to being a loving couple intimately sharing their lives.

• Gestures of Love
The best friendships are built up with many small acts of kindness. Love is not an emotion or an idea; it is something we do. St Paul says: Love is always patient, kind, never jealous or rude or selfish, always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, & to endure whatever comes. A small act of kindness has great power because it shows that we have not taken our friend or loved one for granted. We took the time to think what might bring a moment of happiness. Husbands and wives strengthen their love with many little ceremonies: kissing good-bye, celebrating anniversaries, giving presents, telephoning when they are apart, taking a walk together. The couple sensitive to the deepening their friendship and love will be on the lookout for similar small gestures. The facilitator, then, leads the couple to see that their commitment to each other is realised in living the gestures of love, and assists them in seeing that love is more than a romantic feeling and is a decision to act. He/she helps them explore ways of creating opportunities for intimacy and of nurturing their love, fondness and admiration for each other.

• Loyalty
Those who are rich in their friendships seem to be those who believe in lifelong relationships, who stay with their companions through thick and thin, who weather the dry spells. In a permanent relationship, like marriage, there are going to be periods when your spouse is not functioning well and consequently the marriage is not functioning well. The test is whether you can stay and wait. All of us, at one time or another, have such off periods. A fine line divides our normal coping with reality and our slipping into some unreality. And all of us cross over it occasionally. For most of us it occurs briefly-perhaps for less than a day-and a good night's sleep is its cure. But others have periods when they need the support and guidance of people who love them. What is significant is that people almost always get over their periods of instability. The loss of control is temporary. Given some quietness, it is likely that our minds will heal and we will be all right soon. There is need for a perseverance in human relationships that will keep us connected until that part of the journey has passed. Then the relationships that were once good can be good again. The facilitator helps the couple to see that their marriage is for life, that their relationship will blossom when they are loyal to each other, especially when one of them is in need, that their thoughts towards each other partner may change over time and that this change can affect their relating, and, hopefully enrich their marriage.

• Self-Denial
The demand for complete reciprocity all the time can hurt a friendship. The self-help industry seems capable of cranking out an endless supply of books, tapes, and seminars that advocate believing in yourself, tapping the unlimited power within yourself, asserting yourself, and competing confidently. When people push others away and intimidate their competitors, they get to the front of the line and discover that there is no one there to hand them any prizes. Jesus dismissed such a way of living, saying that those who save their lives will end up losing them and those who lose their lives will save them. The Bible is full of statements to the effect that sacrificing ourselves and denying ourselves for some higher good will in the long run bring happiness. In other words, happiness does not ordinarily come to those who set out to "be happy". The most fulfilled people do not worry about intimidating others; they have a certain confidence that comes from giving to others. The lovers in this world are the strong ones. They are the builders. They are the creators. For rather than compounding the amount of hate in the world, they compound the amount of charity. The facilitator leads the couple to perceive that self-sacrifice is necessary for the deepening of their relationship.

3. Conflict and ways of resolving it.
The facilitator helps the couple to be aware of the aspects of anger and conflict in relationships and explores ways of dealing with them that lead to expression, forgiveness and resolution.

• Anger in the Love Relationship

The Nice Guy Syndrome. Psychologists display surprising unanimity on one point: There is no such thing as a person who never gets angry, but there are some who suppress anger. Delaying the expression of anger may be necessary. But sending anger underground can produce a thousand psychosomatic problems-such as ulcers, migraines, and hypertension, as well as some serious relational difficulties. The ‘nice guy’ smiles a great deal, is cheerful with everyone, is frequently religious, never quarrels, seldom gets angry, appears to be universally liked, and might be thought to have many close friendships. But in fact, generally such persons not only develop a host of psychological problems, but also have clogged up relationships. Popularity is not synonymous with intimacy, and this man who is superficially liked by everyone is rarely loved fiercely by anyone, because he is never perceived as open. If he cannot show anger, he is inept at showing love as well. His emotions are so tightly controlled that he has no range. Without knowing it, he poisons his relationships with his passive hostility.

Disproportionate Anger Cuts Off Communication. When passively hostile people blow, their expression of anger is disproportionate to the complaint because they are really ventilating a lot of past grievances all at once. The result is that communication is cut off. Another danger in swallowing our irritation is that our anger, when it finally erupts, is often displaced. The most common example is the husband who has had a bad day, is frustrated and irritated at his business associates, and takes it out on his wife and family. They are all getting messages that are addressed to someone else, but they have no way of knowing that, and the family system begins to become muddled.

Healthy Anger. Because aggression, frustration, and anger are emotions common to us all, the best relationships build in an allowance for negative feelings. There is no intimate relationship of any duration that will not need to encompass some irritation and hostility from time to time, and if a couple can agree early in the friendship that occasional negativity will be welcomed, it can help enormously. Actually, anger can be a positive force and can be well-managed. Anger can send adrenaline into the bloodstream and glycogen to fatigued muscles to restore them. Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger (Eph 4:26).
Let Anger Deepen the Relationship. If neither of you panic because of a few outbursts, and if you follow some of the rules for clean fighting, it is quite possible that your friendship can be much better after the catharsis of an angry exchange. There is a certain clean feeling about restored love after a good airing of grievances. Frequently, feelings are deeper and more tender than before. In several instances deep friendships have begun after a confrontation, even after a shouting match. As we shout at each other, we are being authentic, we are directly experiencing the other. Then, once the problem was resolved, we can become close for the first time. We are taught when we were growing up that to be angry is sinful. Jesus is often presented to us as meek and gentle, never experiencing the emotions we do. However, the Bible reveals that Jesus was angry more than once, and, indeed, God himself does not always contain his wrath. In the Old Testament, there are more than 450 uses of the word ‘anger’ (compared to about 350 uses for ‘love’), and fully 375 of them refer to the anger of God.

If you dish it out, you have to take it. The healthy relationship stays healthy not only because you let your negative feelings out when they occur, but also because you let your beloved do the same. Your friends are fortunate if they do not always have to be good company with you, if they can be cranky when they need to, knowing that you will not reject them for it. It will be easier to be such a friend if you recognize that the angry outbursts of others sometimes have nothing to do with you. They are simply in a foul mood and need to drain off some of the poisons with your help. The trick is to learn to listen without making judgements about the emotions.

The Art of Letting Them Hate You for a While. What happens when someone's anger is directed at you? That’s never easy. What person enjoys being the butt of another’s hostility? But it will happen now and then, and it’s healthy for the friendship if you can manage to deal with your friend's bitterness.

• Creative Forgiveness
Lord, when we are wrong, make us willing to change, and when we are right, make us easy to live with – Peter Marshall. Forgiveness is a positive force: The forgiving person is sometimes caricatured as weak and spineless, but the opposite is true. One must be strong to forgive, for forgiveness is a very positive force. It changes both you and your beloved. In fact, the dangerous thing about bitterness, slander, wrangling and malice is that these attitudes eat away at us like acid. Not only does our bitterness slop out on those around us and corrode our relationships, it also eats away at our own souls.
If we forgive positively, we'll take the initiative in forgiving. This is very difficult to do. It is easy to let bygones be bygones, when someone apologizes, but it is harder when I have been wronged (or think I have) and my enemies don't even admit their errors. What about the person who never says "I'm sorry"? Here we can profit by noticing how it is that God forgives us. The startling thing about divine love is that God did not wait until we had apologized to send his Son. He took the initiative. "While we still were sinners Christ died for us" (Rom 5:8). When we have been loved in such a fashion, we want to change.
What did St Paul mean in his great hymn to love when he wrote, "love does not keep a record of wrongs" (1 Cor 13:5)? He meant that to love we must be able to believe that people do repent, and that at times they do change. To put it another way, he was urging that when we are in relationships of long standing we must live in the present, forgetting some of the slights we've endured in the past. For sooner or later, in any friendship, someone will be wronged. In a weak moment, the beloved will severely criticize or embarrass, or temporarily walk away. If we allow ourselves to dwell on those misdeeds, the relationship is doomed. Jesus, in his encounters with people such as Peter and the woman at the well, saw them for what they were trying to become and what they would eventually be. To extend such understanding toward our intimates can do a great deal to build strong friendships.
The facilitator assists the couple in becoming aware of their anger, the ways they express it and the importance of expressing it openly. He/she helps them to see the creative ways of expressing their anger and negative emotions so that they may deepen their relationship. He/she guides them towards ways of expressing their negative feelings so that they will not alienate each other and helps them to see conflict as an opportunity for growth, change and deepened intimacy. He/she helps them, not just to apologise, but to look for forgiveness and to discover the importance of reconciliation. The facilitator assists them in seeing the values of compromise, toleration of each others faults, and movement from deadlock to dialogue. He/she enables them to talk about the barriers to intimacy, about ways of overcoming disillusionment with each other and about dealing with personal addictions.

4. Children: This aspect focuses on the invitation to create a family, to become parents and raise children. This entails teaching them the Church’s marital values and doctrine on birth control, discussing issues around the planning and spacing of children and natural family planning, and reflecting on ways of being creative in the wider family network and community. Most parents will agree that “children really are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute substantially to the welfare of their parents” (GS 50), and so we need not spend time establishing procreation as an end of marriage. We do, however, given the physical, emotional, and social fate of children in contemporary families, need to spend some time emphasizing that the generativity and fruitfulness of a marriage are not achieved by the biological generation of children. To be parentally fruitful requires not only the momentary act of intercourse but also the long term nurture of the children resulting from that intercourse into functioning adulthood. Maternity and paternity may generate children; only motherhood and fatherhood, the long-term nurture of those children, generate functioning adults. It is the generation of functioning adults that has always been the desired end of the act of procreation, and it is certainly functioning adults that are required today in both society and Church. Couples should also be invited to see how the arrival of children will affect their own relationship.

5. Church: This element deals with spirituality, faith and ecclesial community. The purpose is to help them understand how marriage is a sacrament and a covenant. It also involves explaining and planning the wedding liturgy with them, strengthening and deepening their faith and increasing their knowledge of Catholic teaching and working out how they will pray together and share faith with their children. In interchurch and interfaith marriages, the facilitator helps them explore the tenets of the different confessions and faiths and the diverse confessional and faith practices, and assists them in coming to some resolution that will help them remain faithful to their confession or faith and be nourished by it.

6. Careers: The focus on this issue helps them explore their perception of the different roles in marriage, their expectations of marriage, their talents and employment, and their responsibility towards charity, justice and peace. It also leads them to see that financial responsibilities are a vital part of their relationship. The facilitator encourages the couple to talk openly about their finances in a way that focuses on their relationship, and to work at sharing their attitudes and expectations towards finance in the hope of reaching a common vision on it. He/she enables them deal with debts brought into the marriage, with their spending habits, and with their ways of making financial decisions.

The Pre-Cana Programme and FOCCUS, facilitating open couple communication, understanding and study, as resources for a marriage preparation course. Information on them can be got from their web sites. Note also the acronym SPICE, signifying, we feel loved when spiritually we pray together, when physically we touch and hold each other, when intellectually we share a project or new learning, when we creatively communicate with each other in written or oral forms, and when we emotionally share our feelings, desires and humour.



Chapter Twelve UNITY & SEXUALITY

Unity
In the human person three levels of being and action may be distinguished, which may be designated as the physical, the psychological, and the spiritual. The physical is the level of biology and physiology; it is the level that humans share with others in the genus animal. The psychological is the level of sense and imagination and memory and understanding and reason and judgement and emotion; it is the level that is specific to the human animal. The spiritual is the level of all that transcends the physical and the psychological, all that reaches to the depths and without to the beyond of the human; it is the level which only the religious animal attains. To become one biblical body, one whole person, a man and a woman must become one on all three levels.

Needs
If spouses are to grow, individually and together, each needs both to esteem himself or herself and to feel esteemed by the other.
Comfort & Challenge
It is precisely because of the difficulties in becoming one body, and therefore adequately sacramental, that Christian marriage is an essentially eschatological symbol. Although it is already a prophetic symbol and sacrament of the covenant union between Christ and his Church, it is not yet the perfect symbol it needs to be. This already-but-not-yet dimension of Christian marriage presents it with both a comfort and a challenge. A comfort to the extent that Christian spouses can claim, in faith and in truth, that their intimate union is both modelled upon and a model of the intimate union between Christ and his Church. A challenge to the extent that they confront constantly their falling short of and their need to be more attuned to their model.


Sexuality
• Human: Sexuality is essentially human; there has never been a normal human being who was not sexual.
• Spiritualising: There is a danger in modern Catholic theology of a spiritualising approach to sexuality and sexual intercourse in marriage. To transfer human sexuality up to the exclusively spiritual level is just as untrue to human nature as is transferring it down to the exclusively animal level.
• One Body: Becoming one person with another human being includes becoming not only one spirit and one mind, but also one body. Married love is agape; the love of the spouse for the spouse's sake, but it is also more than agape. Married love is philia, the love of the spouse as a friend, but it is also more than philia. Married love is eros, the love of the spouse for one's own sake, but it is also more than eros.
• Selfish Love: Married love that leads two to become one body is never exclusively selfish love, but it is unquestionably in part selfish love. Married love is loving your neighbour (spouse) as yourself (Mt 22:39).
• Eros & Agape: Eros cannot be transformed; it is an essential form of human love. We do better to accept it, to integrate it, and to give it a distinctively human form. That distinctive form appears when the power of eros is harnessed by human wisdom. Eros, by definition, is the love of the spouse for one's own sake. Where eros dominates, I trample others and make them means to my ends. Such an approach produces what it seeks to avoid, emptiness and loneliness. Where wisdom dominates, I recognise that my partner's happiness is the only way that I, too, can be happy. In that wisdom, strangely, eros is not transformed into, but is allied to, agape. It is precisely this alliance of eros and agape that allows married love to persist and to grow when those things that fuel eros, youth, beauty, health, grace, have long since passed away.
• Sexual Pleasure: Sexuality, sexual passion, sexual pleasure, eros, derive their sacramental character not from any purpose that human beings might assign to them, but from the simple theological fact that they are from God. They are God's gifts to us, and they are good gifts. For two human animals to become one body-person includes essentially, though not exclusively, becoming one body physically. Physical union is not all there is to becoming one body. Still it has a place in Christian marriage, as prophetic symbol of the covenant uniting humanity and God, who does not shrink from proclaiming his love for his beloved in that most beautiful, and most erotic, of love songs, the Song of Songs.
• Song of Songs: This Song has always posed problems for both Jews and Christians, specifically whether it is a poem to divine or human love. For centuries, unwilling to consider that human, erotic love would have any place in the Scriptures, commentators opted for an allegorical reading. The Song of Songs, they explained, was about divine love. But even if it is, God, good communicator that he is, always reveals himself in the language of his hearers. The emergence of the historical-critical approach to reading the Bible led to a growing consensus that the meaning of the Song was its literal meaning. It is about the love of humans, male and female, who in love always seek the bodily presence of the other. This love is celebrated as gift, and as image of the Creator God and of his love for us.
• Acceptance & Integration: In response to the view that sex cannot be fully humanised, it does not need to be humanised because it is already fully human, precisely as gifted to us by the God. While human sexual passion can never be fully humanly mastered, because such mastery attains only to the rational, and sexual passion and pleasure have much in them that is non-rational, one fully human way to respond to the non-rational is to accept it joyfully and playfully. Man and woman, husband and wife, do not become fully human by ignoring eros, or by negotiating their way carefully around it, above it or beyond it. They become human only by accepting it and integrating it into the rest of their human and Christian lives. (From Michael G. Lawler, "Theology of Marriage: A Contemporary View," Chapter Four of Secular Marriage, Christian Sacrament. Mystic, CT: Twenty-Third Publications, 1985, pp. 56-80).



Chapter Thirteen DIVORCE & RE-MARRIAGE

CIVIL DIVORCE

At the present time, marriage and family life seem to be falling apart. In our globalised secular world culture, divorce is becoming more and more acceptable to alleviate difficulties in marriage. However, divorce has the following very serious consequences for marriage, family life and society.
1. The introduction of divorce in any society abolishes the right to life-long indissoluble marriage by making 'for life' become 'as long as'.
2. Inhibitions: Some spouses, fearing the ever-present threat of divorce, pull their punches out of fear of provoking their partner into leaving.
3. The unity and indissolubility of marriage ensure a greater security and stability in the relationship. The availability of divorce introduces instability and uncertainty into the marriage.
4. The absence of divorce allows people to enter into marriage with a greater sense of commitment, and within marriage they will take their commitment more seriously. Where marriage is permanent couples are more inclined to struggle to make a success of their marriage; with divorce, they are more inclined to give up. There are people who are chronic failures at all their intimate relations and who are always on the move. The absence of divorce could be of great benefit to them because a permanent union may assist them to hang on when the going is tough, may help them see their own part in a strained relationship and may be facilitative of their maturation as persons.
5. The absence of divorce invariably means that individuals are more cautious in selecting a partner because marriage is seen as permanent.
6. The solemn obligations undertaken by the marriage partners cannot fail to affect them in the very depths of their being, and they usually do, even if they separate at a later time. God's promises are indefinitely open toward the future, and once made, will never be revoked. Marriage vows are similarly absolute and irrevocable. They establish a relationship so profound that it can never cease to be of personal significance. For they bring into being a new unit, no longer you and I, but we; and however much we fail to act out this unity, once each of us is committed together with the other to the intention of constituting such a unity; neither can ever be the same again. The marriage relationship has itself become sacred for the couple and, generally, this awareness strengthens their commitment to each other. However, in a divorce culture, it is not simply failed and problematic marriages that are dissolved; divorce also destroys happy marriages.
7. In difficult circumstances, once the option for divorce is taken, spouses are inclined to act consistently and follow through on their decision.
8. Divorce, once introduced, gathers pace. Even while society highly prizes both marriage and family life, the universal experience is that divorce legislation results in more people availing of it.
9. It seems that most people who are unhappy and discontent with their partners will be equally unhappy and discontent with the partners of a second marriage. Generally, a divorce culture does not help to make people happier.
10. Children: Parental divorce is a major disruption in children's lives.
11. Divorce has no basis in human rights.
12. Law: It has been argued that the law cannot make people morally good. However, while you cannot by Act of Parliament make a person morally good, you can by Act of Parliament supply the conditions which facilitate the growth of moral goodness and remove conditions which obstruct it. Moral convictions need the support of law. It is common sense that laxity in the law, e.g. through the introduction of divorce, makes decent living more difficult for all.
13. The machinery of the State switches sides and actively facilitates people who wish to abandon their pledge of lasting fidelity and who seek to remarry.
14. Good of Society: Because divorce damages society, a prohibition on it should not be seen as lacking in compassion but rather appreciated as an attempt by the State to help promote the stability of marriage and family life and, in a particular way, to protect the welfare of women and children.
15. Government Support: In the short term the government should provide adequate support for the institution of marriage. If society wants to have successful marriages and strong family life then there must be a similar commitment to the legal and social conditions which will encourage these. The government should take steps to assess all legislation to ensure that it has a positive family impact; should ensure that taxation and social welfare systems financially favour married couples living together; should provide tax incentives and adequate child allowances for married couples; should examine the social problems, especially alcoholism, which contribute to family breakdown with a view to alleviating them; and should provide meaningful support to organisations promoting family life based on marriage.
16. The individual, rather than the family or the institution of marriage itself, is a starting point in the realm of principle for many proponents of divorce.
17. The provision of a right to remarry rewards infidelity.
18. Divorce indirectly results in serious long-term social disorder.
19. Finance: Divorce is a very expensive activity. Many second families are broken up because of the tension over supporting the first family.




CATHOLICS & MARITAL BREAKDOWN

While many other institutions are open to dissolution of marriage, the tradition in the Catholic Church against divorce is very strong. Even though people know of the serious consequences that divorce has on marriage and family life, the Church is often encouraged to make things easier for those who have found the demands of marriage and parenthood too severe, by lowering her traditional standards. The reasons given by those who recommend the Church should be open to divorce are as follows:
1 Divergent Scriptural Interpretations: Biblical and patristic research calls into question the historical justification for the present doctrine and judicial system and shows that the theology and practice of the Church with respect to divorce and remarriage are not as faithful to the New Testament as is claimed. The Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith purported to articulate Catholic doctrine concerning divorce and remarriage and claimed, citing Mark 10:11-12, “fidelity to the words of Jesus.” The implication was that, since the doctrine in question is based on fidelity to the words of Jesus, it is irreformable. That argument might be true if the words of Jesus as cited from Mark were the only teaching in the New Testament on divorce and remarriage and the only one which the Church followed. That, of course, is not the case. Paul, with his acceptance of divorce in favour of the faith (I Cor 7.12-15) and Matthew, who allows divorce for porneia (Mt 19.6), contribute their own interpretation of and exception to Jesus’ remembered command.
First, it is incorrect to speak of the New Testament teaching on divorce and remarriage, as if there was only one. There are several teachings and they do not all agree. Second, not all these teachings derive from Jesus, as the Catholic Church historically insinuates. Third, diverging accounts of divorce and remarriage are in integral part of the New Testament and later Christian traditions because the diverse cultural followers of Jesus sought to translate the meaning of his life, death and resurrection into the circumstances of their concrete lives.
2 Council of Nicea (325), Canon 8, goes to the very heart of the question of divorce and remarriage: “As regards those who define themselves as the Pure and who want join the Catholic and Apostolic Church, the holy and great Council decrees that they… will have to communicate both with those who married a second time [digamoi] and with those who failed under persecution but… whose moment of reconciliation has arrived.” So, the ‘Pure’ had to accept to live in communion with those who had been married twice. Digamia refers to remarriage either after the death of a spouse or after a divorce. Since, however, remarriage either after the death of a spouse was not considered a sin, the Council’s digamoi must be those who have remarried after a divorce or repudiation. That “sin” according to the council, can be forgiven and reconciliation with the Church can be achieved after a period of suitable penance. Acutely relevant is the fact that neither the Church before Nicea nor the Council itself required the repudiation of the new spouse as a prerequisite for forgiveness and reconciliation.
3. The Orthodox Churches, while stressing the indissolubility of marriage in theory, in practice allow for solubility and second marriages for the greater good. When a marriage is dead, even if the spouses still live, oikonomia impels the church to be not only sad, for the death of a marriage is always “the death of a small civilization,” but also compassionate, for the Church represents the merciful God. This compassion extends to permitting the remarriage of an innocent or repentant spouse. The Orthodox practice of oikonomia flourishes within a context of spirit and grace, not of law and grows out of the powerful Orthodox faith in the continuing benevolent and merciful action in the Church of the Spirit of God and of Christ. It heeds the Gospel injunction that “the letter skills, but the Spirit gives life” (2 Cor 3:6).
4 Tradition: Use of Pauline and Petrine Privileges
There is a continuous tradition that in special cases the Church has dissolved marriages. The Pauline Privilege of I Cor 7:10-16, II Cor 6:14-18 and Rom 7:2-3, already referred to chapter three, is now enshrined in Canon Law. This permits dissolution and second marriage to a person who receives baptism when the non-Christian partner is unwilling to live with the baptised person or to live peacefully without offence to the Creator, unless the baptised partner has, after the reception of baptism, given the other just cause to leave (Canon 1143). Exploring the Pauline Privilege Gratian in 1140 claims that marriages among non-Christians are valid, but are not indissoluble because they are not sacramental. Later, Popes have extended the Pauline Privilege to grant dissolution of natural marriages to enable a new convert to remarry. So dissolutions were permitted in virtue of what is called the Petrine Privilege, which, by custom and not by law, gives permission to the Pope to dissolve a natural marriage between a baptised and non-baptised person in special circumstances and even sometimes in more extensive situations. The consistent and acknowledged nuancing of the words of Jesus expressed especially today through the Pauline and Petrine Privileges would seem to make it feasible to permit divorce in exceptionally serious situations.
5. Sacrament and Love: A marriage is sacramental when it embodies and expresses the kind of love that exists between Christ and the Church. But if the marriage no longer embodied and expressed that kind of love, it would in fact be no longer sacramental, and by the same token it would be liable to end in divorce.
6. Ethical Demand: Indissolubility as a sign and a precept is an ethical requirement (the person should not put asunder) rather than a statement of fact (the person cannot put asunder). The person does not have the right to separate what God has united, but this does not exclude the possibility of what God has united being separated, whether by unfaithfulness, danger or death. The absolute character of Christ’s precept is an ethical demand to which we must always pay attention, and not a juridical law of absolute validity.
7 Authority: While it is true that the Catholic Church never grants the dissolution of the bond of a consummated sacramental marriage, it remains a disputed question among theologians if this stance is rooted in an enduring prudential judgment or is the result of a perception that the Church lacks the radical power to dissolve such a bond. Presently, no satisfactory theological explanation exists why and how the consummation of a sacramental marriage can restrict the power of the Church over the bond.
8 New Perspective of Living Relationship: The theological justification for the permanence of the marriage bond is weakened in the shift from scholastic to personalist philosophy and in the view that the marriage is not a legally binding contract but a living relationship between two people.
9 Reality of Divorce: The theological justification for the permanence of the marriage bond is weakened in the shift from scholastic to personalist philosophy and in the view that the marriage is not a legally binding contract but a living relationship between two people. The practical justification for the impossibility of divorce is questioned by the fact that the prohibition no longer deters Catholics from obtaining divorces but rather prevents them from remaining Catholics.
10 Annulment: Reluctance and Irksome System: Most legally divorced Catholics are unwilling to put themselves through the equivalent of another divorce trial in an ecclesiastical court. Some canonists, a minority, have questioned the value and relevance of the whole ecclesiastical judicial system which researches and tries marriage cases, and have recommended that it be dismantled. Then the clergy could concern themselves with the pastoral and religious aspects of Christian marriage.



The Church maintains marriage is indissoluble by divine law on the basis of Mk 10:11-12 and Lk 16.18. In the perception of the Magisterium, Jesus asserts the permanence of the marital bond. Just as Christ always remains faithful to the Church, spouses are always to remain faithful to each other. So how does the Church come to terms with marriages that are breaking up or have fragmented?
• Separation: When one spouse is unfaithful or causes grave danger of soul or body to the other or to the children or makes the common life unduly difficult, then the other spouse has a case for separation (Can 1151-1155).
• Dissolution of the bond: Divorce is never granted or recognized by the Catholic Church in the case of a sacramental (between two baptised persons) and consummated marriage. In the case of all other marriages, although theoretically held indissoluble, as a matter of pastoral practice, for reasons of faith and religion, the Church is willing to declare the dissolution of the bond. Thus, divorce with freedom to marry can be granted in the following cases: (a) if a sacramental marriage has not been sexually consummated, a dispensation that brings with it the cancellation of the bond can be obtained; (b) if a marriage has taken place between two non-baptized persons, and one converts to Christianity and receives baptism, after which the unbeliever refuses to live with the believer "without insult to the Creator,” the Christian party is free to marry again; (c) if a non-baptized man, living with several wives simultaneously (polygamy), receives baptism, he is entitled to choose anyone of his women to be his only wife; the same rule applies to a woman in similar situation with several husbands (polyandry); (d) if man and wife, neither of them baptized, become forcibly separated and for no fault of theirs they cannot restore their common life, the reception of baptism even by one entitles both to marry again; (e) if both of such forcibly separated persons receive baptism, theoretically a sacramental non-consummated marriage comes into existence; still if they are not able to restore their common life, the law grants them the freedom to marry; this amounts to a dispensation by the law from the bond of a non-consummated sacramental marriage; (f) if a natural bond exists between two non-baptized, or one baptized and another who is not, dispensation from the bond can be requested through the competent ordinary from the Apostolic See; to obtain it an appropriate reason is required, e.g., the desire to marry a Catholic.
• Annulment: Many divorced and remarried Catholics who want to be reinstated into full membership in the Church try in increasing numbers to have their first marriage officially annulled.
• Preparation and Support: Catholic dioceses offer marriage preparation courses for engaged couples; priests are expected to counsel them about the duties and responsibilities of marriage as well as help them prepare their wedding liturgy and strengthen their faith (Can 1063, FC 66). The Christian Family Movement, Marriage Encounter (George & Salome Mwangi, Kenyan ME Coordinating Couple, package@wananchi.com), Retrouvaille, which gives assistance to marriages in difficulties (Tablet, 12 August 2006, p. 17), and similar organisations offer group support for maintaining married and family life.
• Compassion: The Church has always tried to offer support and compassion to those whose marriages have failed, as she counsels the parties to live a single lifestyle as long as their spouse is still living. Unfortunately the Church’s efforts to encourage permanence and to discourage divorce have often led to a very negative attitude toward those who have experienced a divorce. This has caused many of the divorced and separated to feel rejected by the Church community, precisely at a time when they greatly need the support of the community.
• Permanent Commitment: For the past eight hundred years or so the Catholic Church has vigorously maintained that a validly contracted marriage is indissoluble not only by Church law but also by divine law. The future of Christian marriage is bound up with the future of Christianity itself.



Chapter Fourteen Polygamy

Bibliography: Cairncross, John (1974). After Polygamy Was Made a Sin: The Social History of Christian Polygamy. London: Routledge & Kegan Paul. ISBN 0-7100-7730-0. Hillman, Eugene. Polygamy Reconsidered: African Plural Marriage and the Christian Churches. New York: Orbis Books. ISBN 0-88344-391-0. Evangelizing Polygamous Families, Peter M Kanyandago, Amecea Gaba Pubs, Eldoret, No 116-118.
Polygamy exists in three specific forms, polygyny (one man having multiple wives), polyandry (one woman having multiple husbands), or group marriage (some combination of polygyny and polyandry).
Judaism
Scriptural evidence indicates that polygamy among the ancient Hebrews, though not extremely common, was not particularly unusual and was certainly not prohibited or discouraged. The Hebrew Scriptures document approximately forty polygamists, including such prominent figures as Abraham, Moses, Jacob, Esau, and David, with little or no further remark on their polygamy as such. Exodus 21:10, Deuteronomy 21:15-17, Deuteronomy 17:17, Deuteronomy 25:5-10. At present, Judaism has essentially outlawed polygamy.
Christianity
Augustine refrained from judging the patriarchs, but did not deduce from their practice the ongoing acceptability of polygamy. Martin Luther granted Philip of Hesse, who, for many years, had been living "constantly in a state of adultery and fornication," a dispensation to take a second wife. In response the Council of Trent: “If anyone says that it is lawful for Christians to have several wives at the same time and that this is not forbidden by divine law (Mt 19:9ff), anathema sit” (CF 1809, p. 769). The Church asserts that "polygamy is not in accord with the moral law. [Conjugal] communion is radically contradicted by polygamy; this, in fact, directly negates the plan of God which was revealed from the beginning, because it is contrary to the equal personal dignity of men and women who in matrimony give themselves with a love that is total and therefore unique and exclusive." (CCC 2387, FC 19). Moreover, the Church states: “Polygamy is incompatible with the unity of marriage” (CCC 1664). Note also CCC 1645, GS 49, and GS 47. The Catholic Church cannot accept polygamous marriages because she values the unique and exclusive communion of the partners in marriage, the total love of the partners for each other, the equal personal dignity of men and women, and the unity of marriage. Sociologists claim that polygyny discriminates both against women and against less privileged men, since some men have many wives while many younger, poorer men have none. Others see polygyny as an extension of social, political and economic power into sexual relationships.
In Africa, there has often been a tension between the Churches' insistence on monogamy and traditional polygamy. In recent times there have been moves for accommodation in some non-Catholic churches.
Pastoral Care
1. Towards polygamous family
• Follow diocesan guidelines.
• Admit them into the catechumenate.
• Show explicit care.
• Be open to conversion and administering the sacraments at the time of death.
• Note CCL 1148, 1 – When a non-Christian person living in a polygamous receives baptism he/she may retain any one of his/her spouses, if it is a hardship to remain with the first.
• In cases of conversion, try to ensure that the other wives and their children are maintained.
• Be sympathetic to the plight of the former wives and their children.
• Dialogue with the local Community.

2. Towards a baptised married man who takes a second wife.
• Follow diocesan guidelines.
• Show understanding.
• Be caring to the first wife.
• Be open to helping a practicing Catholic husband and second wife.
• Dialogue with the local Community.



Chapter Fifteen CONCLUSION & CLARIFICATIONS

1. Secular
Marriage is without qualification a secular human reality, and, so, subject to development and evolution. There is a universal sense that something important is happening in the union of man and woman in marriage. There is a sense that something gracefully “good” happens in a good marriage. Oscar Wilde observes that “Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building.”
2. Scriptural
Matrimony is rooted in the OT notions of creation and covenant. The ambivalence of the NT regarding marriage (it is at once holy and to be avoided, if possible) may be explained by its sense of the imminence of the Kingdom of God. In later NT writings (Ephesians) this sense has waned, and so marriage is linked with the union of Christ and the Church.
3. Institution
The basis for the sacrament is given in Jn 13:34-35, “Love one another, as I have loved you”; the institution is expressed in Mt 19:3-6; the practice is proclaimed in Eph 5:22-32 and the prophetic act is realised in Mk 2:18-20.
4. Augustine
The largely negative attitude of Augustine toward marriage and sexuality is well known, but neither he nor the other early writers of the Church denied the basic sanctity of marriage. Besides, Augustine recognised marriage as a sacrament. The Council of Verona in 1172 formally accepted marriage as one of the seven sacraments and later the Councils of Florence and Trent affirmed this.
5. Covenant – Vatican II
For many centuries marriage was perceived as a contract, a precise exchange of rights, namely the rights to each others bodies for those acts needed for the procreation of children. Vatican II introduces a whole new perspective on marriage and sees it as a covenant, not a contract. A contract is a mutual agreement for the fair exchange of goods and services. A covenant is an intimate partnership of love pledging permanent faithfulness to one another. Mutual love is not “secondary” to the begetting of children, but is sanctified by the sacrament. The sacramentality of marriage is not automatic; it requires faith. The sacrament incorporates one more fully into the mystery of the Church.
6. Prophetic Symbol
Secular marriage is a God-gifted, life-long community of love to ensure the most appropriate conditions for the life of the spouses with one another as couple and with any children as family. Christian marriage is that same secular marriage perceived and lived in faith as prophetic symbol and sacrament of the community of love resulting from the covenant between Christ and his Church.
7. Sacrament
Marriage is a sacrament, because the love of husband and wife reveals the love Jesus has for the Church (Eph 5:22-32). The sacrament presents Jesus as one whose whole life and being are oriented toward the loving service of others for the sake of creating and sustaining a community of love. Marriage lives out his call to love one another as he has loved us (Jn 15:1-17).
8. Wedding
The sacrament of marriage is also expressed in the wedding ceremony. It began in the Middle Ages, evolved through a variety of forms, became stabilised during the Tridentine reforms, and is now evolving again. Wedding ceremonies are always sacramental, in the sense of being celebrations of the sacred value of marriage, and of being rituals of initiation to a new style of life which is honoured and meaningful, supported by social custom and religious tradition. Similarly, Christian wedding ceremonies have always been sacramental, for they have celebrated the sacred value of marriage and they have initiated men and women into a style of life that was to be modelled on the relationship between Christ and the Church. The words and gestures of the ceremony, even the bearing and expressions of its participants, symbolise to the bride and groom and the others who are present the meaning and importance of what is happening and what is about to happen to this couple. They are being transformed, and they are going to be transformed even further. The wedding is a door through which they enter into that sacred transformation.
9. Ecclesial
When seen as a covenant rather than a contract, Christian marriage is a sacrament of the union between Christ and Church (Eph 5:22-32). The sacrament of matrimony is a decisive moment when the Church reveals herself as the bride of Christ, as the sign that God is committed to the human community. The Church comes into being at various levels of Christian community. The family is her most basic level; the family has been called “the domestic Church”. “This means that there should be found in every Christian family the various aspects of the entire Church,” (Paul VI, EN). So, the Christian family is perceived as a domestic Church, a place where the love of God and religious faith are learned and celebrated. Just as the Church throws light on the family, likewise the Christian family helps us to understand the Church community. The new community signified and realised by marriage is also a sign of what the Church is, a community of love brought about by the Holy Spirit. The Fathers of the African Synod see this clearly calling the Church God’s family and accepting that this expression is particularly appropriate for Africa. ‘For this image emphasises care for others, solidarity, warmth in human relationships, acceptance, dialogue and trust’ (EA 63, CCC 1655). So they see evangelisation as aiming to build up the Church as Family.
10. Community
A good marriage renews and affirms a believing community. Reciprocally, a strong believing community facilitates the formation of good Christian marriages. Married life and community life are intimately related. Indeed, because Christian marriage is not only a private matter, but is for the entire Church, whose covenant with Christ is symbolised prophetically in it, some argue that the minister, whose presence is required for the validity of the marriage since Trent, is more than just a legal witness, is also a co-minister with believing Christians of the sacrament.
11. Fidelity
In a Christian marriage, the spouses are called to a life-long faithfulness to each other. Christian marriage is modelled on and reflects the faithful love for Christ towards his Church. So Christian marriage makes real the value of fidelity and challenges the egoistic tendency of finding intimacy with no responsible commitment to others.
12. Friendship
When we realise the basic sacramentality of all human experience and the way Jesus transformed this sacramentality, there is good reason for seeing human friendship as the most basic sacrament of God’s saving presence to human life. Human friendship reflects and makes credible the reality of God’s love for humans; human friendship gives us some insight into the Christian revelation that God is a “self.” Within human friendship there is a paradigm role played by the love between a Christian wife and husband. Building on the transformation of marriage’s meaning that began with the prophets of Israel, Christianity sees the love relationship of a Christian couple as sacramentalising the relationships between Christ and the Church and between God and humanity. God’s saving action consists essentially in the divine self-giving. This is expressed by and present in the couple’s self-gift to each other; they are sacrament to each other, to their children, and to their fellow Christians. This sacramentality, though specially instanced in Christian marriage, extends to all genuine human friendship.
13. One Body
In Christian marriage, the two spouses become one. To become one biblical body, one whole person, a man and woman must become one physically, psychologically and spiritually. So there is a quest to integrate all three levels to become one body-person. Becoming one at the physical level involves the spouses accepting their sexuality and integrating it into the rest of their human and Christian lives. Erotic love is now given greater emphasis in a Christian marriage, not because such love is the be-all and end-all of a marriage, but because the Christian tradition has been largely negative towards such love and its rightful place in Christian marriage.
14. Process
Marriage is never static but truly an ongoing relationship in which the partners must literally become more “Christlike” in the depth and manifestation of their love.
15. Faith
All sacraments, including marriage, are sacraments of faith. Only the active Christian faith of the marrying persons actively embracing that added prophetic dimension found in Christian marriage transforms valid secular marriage into grace-full Christian sacrament. In marriage preparation and support, the priest has the responsibility of deepening the faith of the couple, so that they may be open to receive the graces and responsibilities of the sacrament.
16. Baptised non-Believers
The official Church has to engage in the issue of baptised unbelievers; those who were baptised as infants but never thereafter socialised into a faith community, but whose culture or relations expect them to be married in the Church. Numerous solutions have been proposed, most having to do with a flexible approach via stages or levels and some type of follow-up catechesis with the recently married.
17. Indissolubility: Pauline & Petrine Privileges
The Catholic Church has always taught that marriage is indissoluble. Still, she has always tolerated certain modifications of this principle through dispensations designed to remove the unintended harshness of the law. The Pauline Privilege permits divorce and second marriage to a person who receives baptism when the non-Christian partner is unwilling to live with the baptised person or to live peacefully without offence to the Creator, unless the baptised partner has, after the reception of baptism, given the other just cause to leave (Canon 1143). The Pauline Privilege applies only when both parties were unbaptised at the time of the marriage. So, the Pauline Privilege dissolves a real but natural marriage. Besides, other dissolutions are permitted in virtue of what is called the Petrine Privilege, which, by custom and not by law, gives permission to the Pope, exercising his authority as the Vicar of Christ and executive agent of divine law, to dissolve a natural marriage between a baptised and non-baptised person in special circumstances and even sometimes in more extensive situations. This is called the Petrine Privilege because it is reserved to the Chair of Peter.
18. Canonical Form
Since the decree Tametsi, 1563, Church law requires that Catholics marry before the bishop, priest or deacon delegated by either one, and two witnesses (canonical form). Since Vatican II, however, exceptions have been granted frequently, given the many instances of interchurch marriages.
19. Interchurch and Interfaith Marriages
An interfaith marriage, formerly called a mixed marriage, is one between a Catholic and a non-Catholic Christian; it requires both a dispensation and a promise by the Catholic party to do all in his or her power to share the Catholic faith with any children of the union. A marriage between a Catholic and a non-Christian, called an interfaith marriage, requires a dispensation from disparity of cult.
20. Annulment
An annulment is an official declaration that a marriage was sacramentally invalid from the beginning. When an official declaration is impossible, in some areas occasionally Catholics in a second marriage are allowed to participate in the Church’s sacramental life, assuming no grave scandal is present.
21. Marriage Tribunal
The marriage tribunal is the special committee of a diocese, sometimes called a “marriage court,” that consists of persons especially trained in dealing with marriage cases that are brought before them. Particularly serious marriage cases can be appealed to the next highest tribunal (usually that of the nearest archdiocese), and the most serious cases can be appealed to the highest marriage tribunal in Rome, known as the Roman Rota.
22. Ecumenical Agreement
There is fundamental agreement between Catholics, Orthodox and Anglicans on the sacramentality of marriage.
23. Definition
Marriage is a community of life and love, founded in a mutual and irrevocable covenant, by which a Christian man and a Christian woman give and accept one another for the purpose of establishing an intimate partnership of their whole life. Marriage is a sacrament when the couple want their life and love to reflect the relationship between Christ and the Church.
24. Vision to Reality
There is a great need to make the vision of a true Christian marriage become reality in the lives of those who are married and those who are preparing to enter marriage. The work is really more the responsibility of the married than of the clergy. This vision of marriage must be taught in the home and exemplified by married couples if it is to grasp the imagination and the hearts of the community. Words and formal teaching are important, but example is still the best teacher. May the Lord give to all married Christians the courage and depth of love necessary to be faithful to their commitment and to be effective sacraments of God’s love for all people.