Appendices

Appendix I Characteristics of good listeners.

1. Good Listeners Listen with Their Eyes.
Remember: The surest way to be interesting is to be interested, and the intensity of your interest can be measured by the way your body talks. Eye contact is one of the surest indicators. If you are staring at the wall or glancing at other people, the speaker gets a strong impression of how little you care about the conversation. On the other hand, if you look people directly in the eyes as they speak, you will be amazed at how quickly they get the compliment. The eye-lock is a powerful magnet for making contact with people.
2. Good Listeners Dispense Advice Sparingly.
Those who are experts at love are very chary of advice. When people bring you problems, they may appear to want your opinion. They may even say they need advice. But more often than not, they will thank you for simply listening. Because you help them get the problem outside themselves and their issues get back into perspective, and they are able to arrive at their own decision.
3. Good Listeners Never Break a Confidence.
One of the signs of deepening connections with people is that they trust you with secrets. Little by little, you are handed morsels of information with which you could do them harm. Then they wait to see how you handle the trust. If you hold it gently, they breathe a sigh of relief and tell you more. So the cardinal rule for every person who desires better relationships is: Learn to close your mouth to keep confidences.
4. Good Listeners Complete the Loop.
Person A makes a statement. Person B acknowledges the statement and person A confirms the acknowledgment.
5. Good Listeners Are Honoured When Someone Lets Down Their Guard.
We invariably feel closer to people who share their secrets and we feel complimented that they have trusted us enough to divulge their secrets. As people share their secrets, they are complementing you because they trust you. In response always try to thank them and to tell them that we are honoured that they have chosen to reveal themselves to us.

Appendix II Suggestions for dealing with the anger of a friend towards you.

Do not stifle your response. You may or may not be able to sit quietly as your beloved ventilates anger. You do not have to stifle your feelings any more than your friend does.
Do not assign permanence to emotions. It is a common trap to assume that because your friend has blasted you today, the feeling will endure tomorrow. In fact, most such emotions are transitory.
Remember that you can love and be angry at the same time. Most of us have a certain mixture of love and anger in all our intimate relationships, and if you will remind yourself of that fact as your loved one is railing, it may help.
Ventilate your ire with a friend rather than with the person who is the irritant.
Get some physical outlet for your aggressions. Take on some vigorous exercise; the more competitive the better. Tennis, racquetball, punching a bag, jogging will all make you easier to get along with. Our physical well-being can have a big influence on our emotions.


Appendix III Six Techniques to Help You Get Angry without Becoming Destructive

Not only is it possible to express anger, but it is essential in solid friendships. Here are six techniques for doing so.
1. Talk About Your Feelings, Not Your Friend's Faults
It doesn't hurt to employ a little ingenuity in our negative expressions. The woman who says, You're not very thoughtful going off to be with your pals every evening, isn't going to improve her relationship with her husband that way. She might put it this way: "I miss having you with me in the evening. I'd love it if you'd keep me company." Few husbands can say no to that kind of invitation.
2. Stick to One Topic
If you are lodging a complaint with your spouse, the frustrating problem should be expressed in one simple sentence, such as: "It bothers me that when we have finished dinner you sit there and pick your teeth." The resolution of one problem at a time is difficult enough without pulling in old grievances.
3. Allow Your Friend to Respond
People who walk out during an argument are dirty fighters. If you are unhappy with someone, you have a right to express it, but you also have the responsibility to stay and hear the other side. Then there's an opportunity for resolution or compromise.
4. Aim for Ventilation and Resolution, Not Conquest
Lots of trouble can be avoided if friends agreed on the ground rule that they will express their anger not to win but simply to get it out. The aim is to ventilate our feelings, and hopefully search for some resolution, not to force the other to surrender. No one has to conquer the other.
5. Avoid Alcohol and Drugs as Stimulants
Statistics indicate that many homicides involve alcohol, and even if you're not thinking of mayhem, it is wise to have such discussions as these when you're clean and sober. Yes, for some people it is easier to raise an unpleasant topic after a stiff drink or two, but if you resort to that device you may do irreparable damage and not even remember what you said the next day.
6. Balance Criticism with Lots of Affection
When we have to criticize the action of our spouse, we should do so in the context of strong affirmation and great affection.